


heaven and hell were words to me

by heymickey



Series: to be alone with you [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bakery and Coffee Shop, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Romantic Friendship, blame all hozier songs for me creating this, i just wanted bucky to be in a soft and loving relationship, so i did it myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 03:30:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15234378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heymickey/pseuds/heymickey
Summary: there is nothing he wanted more than to be left alone. then he realized that they could be alone together.the one where my sweet summer child bucky gets a friend that he may like more than just a friend and steve is totally gonna rag on him the entire time.





	heaven and hell were words to me

**Author's Note:**

> hi :) this is my first fic that i have 1) written for this fandom and 2) posted on here so we'll see how this goes. also i don't have autocapitalization on any of my devices and i got too deep into this to change it so nothing is capitalized. hope that's not a dealbreaker but yeah just wanted to let you know that i know

there is nothing he wanted more than to be left alone. his brain was awakening with new memories and the world was new. new in a sense that he hadn’t experienced anything with full consciousness. he had always had a mission and a puppeteer telling him how to interact in the world. now he only had his own thoughts and feelings - however base they were- to guide him. it felt like someone had hit the reset button on his brain and was only just now starting to import its backed up data. slowly but surely memories from before were coming back, making their way into the recently used folder. 

but there was still a disconnect. he knew, intellectually, that the memories were his and that he at one point experienced everything in those memories but they still felt like they happened to another person. this person he was now was haunted by his past and he didn’t know how to reconcile who he was now with who he was then and who he had become. so he had decided to ignore it all. he was this newfangled person and he would only be thinking of that person. 

still, the memories came to him unbidden. 

it was hard to ignore the visions that made him stop in his tracks as he walked to the market or the vibrant, exuberant dreams that quickly turned to horrific nightmares after those terribly ordinary words were said. without hydra forcibly suppressing his memories and emotions, he had to find new and healthy ways of dealing with them. he’d taken to journaling due to its portability and its innocuousness. he could take his journal anywhere and it wouldn’t signal to anybody that he was actually recalling how his mother used to hold him when he was sick with nebulous words that wouldn’t make sense to anyone else or that he was writing a mission report of one of his kills in the most detached manner he could to record the memory but not let it consume his day in guilt or self-loathing. nobody looked twice at someone with a notebook. some got curious and asked what he was writing about- especially the diner waitresses- but he usually deflected and asked what the special was that day. 

however, coffee shops came to be his spot of choice. when he first moved to the city he had done a circuit of all of the coffee shops in his neighborhood. he told himself to stick to the circuit so he doesn’t become a regular anywhere and potentially get recognized but there was one coffeeshop, sal’s, that he liked above the rest for no particular reason. maybe it was the decor- utilitarian but comfortable, or maybe it was the fact that it was on a quiet street and there was never more than three other customers in the shop. he really didn’t know how this place stayed afloat but was nevertheless grateful that it did. in sal’s, there were armchairs that sat at the windows but were angled as such that one faced the rest the of the shop while the other one faced only that chair. he always took the chair that faced the shop. some habits never left him and one was keeping an eye on the exit. this chair had come to be a place where he could reminisce in comfort and look out onto the ambiguous city street and superimpose his 1940s life onto. 

but one day, there was someone sitting in the opposite chair.

it wasn’t like the chairs were close in any sort of way but if two people were to sit in those chairs it would look like they came together. that space was a bit secluded from the rest of the shop and it was eerily intimate. it was exactly what he was looking for, but he never considered the thought that it might be that way for someone else. he didn’t even notice the other person until he had sat down in his chair. he looked up and this person was already looking at him. They weren’t looking at him in any sort of way, only to recognize that someone was sitting in the chair and to vaguely catch a visual of them. he froze though. there was an elderly couple at a table at the other end of the shop so it felt like it was just the two of them in the shop. he considered getting up and leaving, but his drink wasn’t in a to go cup and it would have been obvious (and rude) if he got up and asked for it to go. so he decided to stay. after the person acknowledged his presence, they went back to what they were doing which seemed to be annotating some thick coffee table art book. he got out his journal but couldn’t get himself to write anything until he had sized his chairmate up. 

she couldn’t have been any older than he looked. with short wavy hair pulled into a half up half down style that was not in any way sleek or clean. flyaways and frizz encapsulated her head. her face was free of any make up and her chunky sweater was swaddling her torso with the sleeves coming to her knuckles. a sleeve fell to her elbow whenever she lifted a hand to mess her hair or put pen cap to teeth which revealed a swath of a tattoo. the tattoo was rendered in simple line work and pictured a woman dressed in ancient robes standing in a dynamic pose as she readied a bow. the bow was positioned so it looked to be in the shape of a crescent moon. he could feel that it meant something but couldn’t pinpoint what it was before she shook the sleeve back down soon after. her legs were crunched up with knees bent to one side and the book rested on one leg and the arm of the chair. she looked completely unconcerned with the world around her. this soothed any worry that she would talk to him. he still came here to be alone but it seemed that he could be alone with her. 

so he goes about his routine as if she wasn’t not there. she sifted in her chair a few times and got up to order refills but was generally unobtrusive in her own coffee shop routine. still, he was constantly aware of her. later he had noticed that she had earbuds in and was listening to music. sometimes she would move her foot to the rhythm or bob her head. once she started to hum but quickly cut herself off once, he guessed, she remembered she wasn’t alone. a smile came upon his face without permission at her slip up. 

soon she looked at her phone to check the time and she started to pack up. he watched as she put her too thick book into her bag and wrapped a scarf loosely around her neck. they made eye contact and she gave him a small smile before she turned around and walked out of the shop. this was one of those times were he wished he had steve’s talent of drawing so he could sketch her but instead turned to his journal where, for the first time, he wrote of the present instead of the past. 

•••••••

he kept to his circuit. mostly. he went to sal’s more than he should have but he couldn’t bring himself to go to the other subpar coffee shops when sal’s was right there. it also helped that the woman became as much a part of sal’s to him as sal was. they still hadn’t spoken but they would still sit in those opposite chairs. now, when he got there later than she did, she smiled up at him in greeting and he returned the smile. he doesn’t put on that unapproachable mask for her (like he should, if he’s honest). there was rarely any interaction between the two but if there was any sort of communication it was non verbal. a wave goodbye or a smile in greeting was mostly the extant. she usually had earbuds in as well so she wouldn’t be able to hear him even if he had tried to start a conversation. 

the first time he heard her speak he didn’t realize it at first. he had finished his drink five minutes ago and had the dirty dish on the low table that sat between them. she apparently had also finished hers and stood up but stopped in front him. at the realization that she was speaking to him, he said in a rusty voice “what?” 

“are you done with your cup?” her voice was clear but had a softness to it that made it clear that she didn’t use it too often. he nodded. she took his cup and put it in the bin that all the other dirty cups go in. she came back over to their chairs and sat down. before she could put her earbuds back in he said, “thanks for doing that. you didn’t need to.” 

she waved her hand dismissively. “it was no problem,” she said easily. he wanted to keep talking to this woman who has been in his peripheral for the past few weeks so he scrambled for something to say. seeing that she had the same thick book from the first time they sat together he asked, “what book are you reading?” 

she looked down at the cover of her book and held it up to him. it was the story of painting by sister wendy. “i’m teaching a course at a local college in the spring and i’m trying to divvy out their readings.” 

“you’re a teacher?” she smiled and shook her head. 

“only part time. officially i’m the director of the art collection at the college but in addition to that, i teach one class a semester.” he tried to picture her as a professor and found that she would be gentle and soft spoken in a dark room with slides of masterpieces behind her. he found it endearing. but in response to her he only nodded, not knowing how to continue the conversation. but he could see that there were questions forming in her mind as her eyes landed on his journal and she cocked her head to the side. he could sense her hesitation in asking her question but her curiosity got the best of her. 

“what do you write in your notebook; if you don’t mind me asking?” she looked into his eyes for a beat before his eyes dropped to his own journal. 

“mostly memories.” she smiled at that. 

“must not want to forget a thing.” not again, he thought but didn’t say. he gave her a sort of sad smirk and shook his head. they sat in silence for a moment before she goes back to her book and he to his journal. she leaves a short while later. he realizes as she walks out the door that he still doesn’t know her name and that she never put her earbuds back in. 

•••••••

 

over the next few months, they started to talk more. which inevitably involved an exchange of names. it felt like they could have gone forever without actually exchanging names but it also felt wrong to feel this comfortable and open with someone without knowing what to call them other than “the one from sal’s.” she asked him what his name is in much the same way as she asked him what he wrote in his journals- hesitantly but curiosity prevailing. he froze for a moment when she had asked. what was his name? more importantly, what did he want to be called? his first thought was bucky but it seemed too reminiscent of another time, another reality. bucky was reserved for steve. it recalled that time of his life that he felt so detached from. however, in that life he had been detached from his first name- james. in the end he tells her james. his mother would have probably muttered a long-suffering “finally,” if she could hear, “i gave you that name for a reason so why don’t you use it.”

her name seemed fitting to her though. her name was anna. which to him seemed fitting if only because the way she said it - softly and quietly- fit how he had come to know her. soft and quiet is how she first presents herself but it doesn’t take too long to notice to the razor sharp knowledge she has in those emerald eyes of hers. after he spoke, she often looked at him in a way that was completely unnerving yet comforting. it was a look that communicated just how much she was working to understand him. she was reading him and making inferences and connections that help paint the picture of him in her mind. as of right now, she was probably the one that understands him as he was at the most out of anybody. steve knew him and was trying to get to know who he had become but it was different. steve had a preconceived notion of who bucky was and what their relationship was but anna was just now meeting him and saw him as he presented himself now. it was such a thrill to him that he probably revealed more of himself than he should. 

he decided to come with a plausible reason for his name should she somehow see him on the news or happened to go to the smithsonian and see the captain america exhibit or something of that nature. he would say that he was named after him(self) because that james barnes was his great great grandfather (or some relation like that). it felt strange planning to lie to someone. he’d done it thousands of times in his stint as a spy but that was not his life anymore and he didn’t want to be that person. however he didn’t know if he wanted her associating him with his past. they didn’t usually talk of the past. they talked about their tastes in music where they would share her earbuds as to not disturb the other patrons of sal’s and they would take turns picking songs or they people watched. people watching was probably his favorite activity to do with her. she made the most minute and singular observations about people and he suspected this was what she did to him in a more focused manner when their conversation turned more in depth than just pointing out characteristics of the people around them. 

however this plan became moot when he mucked it up. 

he didn’t muck it up purposefully. it really was by happenstance that his plan of deceit was thwarted. it was steve’s fault. steve was visiting him for a long weekend and he wanted to do something for steve that would get them out of his apartment and in public where steve wouldn’t grill him about his ‘progress.’ so he found a random art reception at a college just down the street. the two of them showed up and easily slipped into the crowd. the gallery was lit only by the lights that were focused on the art of the wall. it apparently was a student’s senior show. there would be a contemporary art piece made by the student and next to it would be the piece from the college’s collection that inspired the piece. some were more apparent than others but the concept was intriguing to james. it often was how he felt like: a modern interpretation of something ancient which existed side by side and shared characteristics but were ultimately separate entities. he honestly wasn’t expecting to relate to this show on such a level. this was supposed to entertain steve. 

as he was mentally spiraling a bit, a familiar voice came over the sound system. the gallery was large enough and there were too many people so they needed to use microphones so everyone could hear clearly all the speakers of the night. james and steve were standing at what was now the back of the crowd as everyone turned their bodies to the back wall but james kept his eyes to art until he fully registered who was talking.

“hello, everyone! i just wanted to say first a thank you to everyone for coming out tonight. it means a lot to me and our artist siobhan over here. she worked really hard to get this show together. so again, thank you.” she introduced herself and then continued to speak about siobhan and gave a little bio about her before handing off the microphone to siobhan. 

“holy shit,” he muttered quietly as the voice registered and his eyes found who was speaking. steve heard him and looked at him questioningly. 

“what?” 

“i know her.” 

“who?”

“anna.” james was internally panicking because how could he be so stupid. there were only so many colleges in town with a gallery and he knew that anna worked at one. it was not like he was actively avoiding her outside of the coffeeshop (it was actually the opposite; always searching for her when he was out and about just on the off chance he would run into her) but with steve here, his cover was shot. there was also the realization that this was the first time that they would interact outside of sal’s and in the presence of others. there were so many what if’s racing through his mind that he all but stopped listening to the student. 

at some point everyone started clapping and that snapped him out of his internal monologue enough to refocus on what was in front of him which happened to be anna again as she took the mic and instructed people to ask questions of siobhan and also where the food and drinks were. the refreshments table was right behind him so he turned around and went straight for the drinks. he grabbed a cup to fill with water and was filling it when she came to his side. she picked up a cup said in a voice that seemed too intimate for this setting but that may just be her voice, “hello james.” he turned to her when he was done filling his cup. 

“hey anna. the show is great.” she smiled and stepped closer so she could fill her cup. he took a micro-step back so he wasn’t blocking the pitcher but was still close to her. it was the closest they had ever been to each other and he felt an acute awareness of the space between them the entire time she was filling her cup. it was really messing with him at this point. 

“oh thank you. siobhan has been a great student.” with her cup full she turned so they were standing face to face. she got that assessing look on her face as she eyed his face as if she was trying to discern whether he was lying or not but her next question revealed the true path of her curiosity. “not that i’m not happy that you’re here, but how did you come to be here?” 

a surge of joy erupted in his chest as she said the first part but the second part instilled some nervousness. this would involve pointing out steve - the most inconspicuous person to ever live. his hand came up to rub the back of his neck on reflex. 

“i wanted to get my friend out of my apartment and this was the closest event. he likes art.” he jerked a thumb over to where steve was standing, turned to look at the piece but was obviously (at least to james) listening in on their conversation. he narrowed his eyes at his friend. anna’s eyes flickered to steve and looked as if they were going to leave before she doubled down and really looked at steve. silently staring him down with crunched eyebrows trying to decipher whether this was actually who she thought it was. james smiled as he took in her expression and called steve over. with him actually facing them, anna confirmed her suspicions and cocked an eyebrow at james as if to say you never told me you had such famous friends. “anna, this is steve. steve, anna.” they shook hands. 

“nice to meet you anna,” steve said politely and with a small smile on his face. 

“nice to meet you too.” she flickered her eyes to james. “james tells me you like art. what do you think of the show?” steve sends a smirk to james. 

“did he now? well he speaks truthfully. i think the show is interesting. i’m more of a drawing kind of guy but i appreciate all mediums.” anna’s head tilted to one side, an indescribably endearing gesture if james said so himself. when the thought of anna being endearing and dare he say adorable came to him he quickly pushed that aside as something to hash out later and not in front of his most observant friends. this was journaling material. 

“you draw?” it was steve’s turn to rub his neck and flush. 

“not seriously by any means but i dabble.” james scoffed at his friends description of his abilities. 

“oh yeah all those classes at the art academy were just you dabbling.” james turned to anna. “he’s really great but suppresses all of that to be captain america.” steve smacked james’ chest in indignation. 

“do not.” james just rolled his eyes at his friend’s denial. anna had a wicked smirk and a twinkle in her eyes as she gazed at them interacting over her glass of water. 

“either way, i would love to see what you’ve done so far if you feel comfortable with that. or if you guys want, you can come back tomorrow and i can give you a tour of the collection.” somebody called anna’s name from across the room beckoning her. “i have to go but, steve, just let james know if you want to and he can let me know.” Her hand came to james’ elbow in a light but meaningful touch. “i’ll see you later, james.” she turned as she waved at both of them before disappearing into the crowd. james’ eyes followed her and watched her wavy and voluminous hair bounce and swish with the movement. 

steve turned to him with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. “james?” he blushed and casted his eyes around the room to avoid steve’s. 

“shut up, punk,” he murmured. he turned to leave as steve laughed and responded with the obligatory “jerk.” the entire walk back to his apartment was an exercise in dodging all of steve’s taunts and questions about anna which gave him the perfect excuse to not examine any of the feelings that had been stirred up by seeing her outside of their perfect cocoon at sal’s and the subsequent imminent destruction of it because the next time they were together he was going to have to explain steve’s presence and he was not super looking forward to it. he looked forward to seeing her, he always did, but he was not looking forward to the conversation. maybe she won’t bring it up. 

pfft, yeah right. 

•••••••

james and steve ended up taking a tour of anna’s collection the next day. james was a nervous wreck thinking about interacting with anna. did she figure it out? will she act any differently? will she kick him out of her life forever? however, his fears were quelled for the moment as anna excitedly lead them into her office and the storage area of the collections. she showed them around and mentioned that the archive associated with the school had some captain america memorabilia if they were ever feeling nostalgic. all in all, anna was taking steve being his best friend admirably well. 

they had gone in the morning so by the time they were done it was lunch time. steve and anna were talking about the collection when steve invited anna to lunch with them. she accepted and then in eerily synchrony they turned to james and asked where he wanted to go. in that moment of them looking at him, james felt a sense of rightness; that he really didn’t care where he was going as long as it was with them. the two blondes were staring at him, waiting for him to get out of his reverie. 

james suggested a bar down the street. it was typical bar food but everything came with a gingerbread man cookie as the bar was named the gingerbread man. the trio had all sat down and ordered their food when steve’s super secret nokia went off. steve’s entire demeanor morphed into the one of a Serious Military Man and he apologized but duty called. james and anna nodded as steve took off. james had his eyebrows furrowed and watched as his friend left the bar, wondering what could be so urgent. 

“does that happen often?” anna’s question pulled his focus back to his immediate surroundings. he turned his head to look at her. she was taking a sip from her pint of beer and looking at him waiting for his answer. 

“more than i’d like.” anna hmm’d and nodded and stayed quiet for a little while. james however was slowly realizing that they were alone. now his worries and questions were popping up. this was it. this was the time. but she didn’t bring it up. he was waiting for her to ask about steve and their relationship. waiting for her to acknowledge his past. but she never did. it was throwing him off and now he wanted to know why she wasn’t asking about it. the suspense was killing him so he decided to start the conversation. 

“do you know how i know steve?” james asked as he picked at the wood of the arm of the chair he was sitting in. anna redirected her gaze from the bar patrons to him. they had been people watching before he had asked the question. 

“you grew up together, right?” james nodded and looked down to where he was fidgeting. that seemed to be the most innocent way of saying yes i know you’re one hundred years old. after a pause, she continued probably sensing that that wasn’t really his question. “you served together too but then that went kind of sideways for you, didn’t it?” 

james lifted his gaze to hers and they just stared at each other for a moment, communicating intangibles and incommunicable understanding. she seemed to know everything already but was still here sharing a pint with him. he was still processing this when the waitress came over and delivered their food, breaking them out of their staring contest. they both thanked the waitress and set out eating. anna broke the silence by saying the answer to the wheel of fortune puzzle on the tv. their dinner conversation swiftly and smoothly transitioned to becoming wheel of fortune contestants. anna was decidedly better because she knew more of what they were referencing but james was good at puzzles and enjoyed the game. 

there came a clue where one of the contestants tried to solve it but was deemed incorrect. anna was extremely confused. 

“what? he was right! what else could it be other than bananas foster bread pudding?” 

“he said banana not bananas,” james said calmly in reaction to anna’s indignation. her brows were still furrowed replaying the scene over in her head. when she came to the realization her face cleared and her mouth opened in an ‘o’. 

“that fucking sucks.” 

•••••••

the next time james went to sal’s anna wasn’t there. disappointment rang through his chest. she wasn’t there every time he went to sal’s but he had hoped anyway. he sat in his usual spot and settled in. about an hour later however anna came in and sat with him. 

“hey james” she smiled and set her glass down on the table between them before settling into her seat. he smiled in response, happy to have her here. 

“what did you get this time?” he said peering into her cup. 

“iced matcha latte” it was a bright pale green color that james was not used to seeing. anna could read the apprehension and confusion written all over his face and body language. “it’s pretty good. not too sweet but there’s some there. you can try it if you want.” he looked at the drink considering it and then shrugged and took a sip from the straw. at first the sweetness of the milk of drink settled over his tongue but then the bitterness of the matcha bit through. it was a nice drink but not one he could down as hard as anna did. but to anna he nodded in agreement that it was good. 

“yeah that’s interesting.” anna smiled and took the drink back and took a sip of it through the straw then let out an almost obnoxious but mostly endearing breathy ahh that people exhale after taking a particular satisfying drink. the corners of james’ mouth turned up in amusement. 

“i don’t even need to ask what you got.” james almost always ordered coffee with no adornments or additives. just black coffee. in contrast anna was always getting new and different types of teas and drinks that were not coffee and had long and exotic sounding names. it was always a toss up to see what she ordered. 

by now they had a routine going. first would be the conversation they just had about anna’s drink choice and then it would go one or two ways: 1) they would people watch and continue to chat about minute things or 2) they would retreat to their own worlds and work on the things they brought with them- him his journal and her her books. today they kept chatting. there came to a point where there was a lull in the conversation. this is when james’ mind turned to the place where it questioned anna and what she knew and why she wasn’t running away from him in terror. 

james turned quite timid and looked down at his hands. one flesh and the other metal but it didn’t exactly look metal because SHIELD (more like steve) had given him a sheath that made his arm look life like. in a quiet voice he asked,”anna, why are you here?” when anna didn’t immediately respond, a bit of anxiety kicked in and he started rambling. “you seem to know about my past and who i used to be and yet you’re still here sitting with me like i haven’t terrorized the world for decades. i just don’t get how you could want to be around me..” 

anna’s face turned to one of concern when she heard james’ question. she took a minute to compose her thoughts and give a response. “i’m here because the person i’m interacting with now is not the man of spy lore or international intrigue. we all have our pasts and i know yours was not one that you willing entered into. the person that i’ve met and been around is one that is a caring and introspective man who wants to make a new life away from it all. so in choosing to be friends with the man you’ve presented me. it’s not the winter soldier that is sitting with me right now but james. james who writes in journals and watches wheel of fortune with me and takes his friends to art shows. the person who’s sitting with me now is the only person that i care about. if you can separate who you were and who you are, so can i.” anna’s hand crossed the space between them and rested on his clasped ones and squeezed a little bit in comforting reassurance. he unclasped his hands to encase hers. 

“but i still did it. and i don’t know how well i’m in control right now. i’ve still got hydra inside my brain and i’m always scared they or someone is going to come and exploit that.” he huffs. “i just... i don’t know. i guess i just wanted to know how you could look past what you know of my past and see me now because i can barely do that.” he let out a self-deprecating laugh. 

“when i first read about it i was pretty horrified.” his shoulders tensed and in response she have another gentle squeeze to the hands that were still holding hers. “put when i tried to equivocate you and the actions i was reading about, it didn’t work. like how it’s hard for me to imagine harrison ford as a carpenter... or like hitler as an artist. the people and the actions don’t make sense. so yes i do abstractly and intellectually know that you’ve done some awful things but that doesn’t really change how i see you now. so please do not worry about it. you are james and you are my friend.” 

james looked up and saw the imploring earnestness in her eyes. he gave her a sad smile and she squeezed his hand once more before pulling back and settling into the back of her chair. a silence settled between the two before the person walking in the door caught james’ eye. 

“the guy with the assless running shorts just walked in again.” 

“oh my god yes i love him” she whipped around in her chair and got a visual on one of her favorite patrons of the coffee shop. 

they slipped back into their usual conversations but james felt like he could settle into his feelings and his surroundings more that he knewof anna’s feelings. there was no looming danger of him leaving or anna kicking him to the curb. so he settled into their friendship and dug in. 

quickly their friendship evolved into something that neither of them was super prepared for: something more. they didn’t call each other boyfriend or girlfriend but it was obvious that they meant a lot to each other and cared for each other deeply; a significant other, if you will. they moved their hangouts from the coffee shop to anna’s apartment and spent whole days together, especially on the weekends. they still frequented sal’s from time to time but more often than not they were getting their orders to-go. their conversations turned more personal and deeper- past just the casual observation or preference comparison. they shared fears and insecurities as well as hopes and dreams. sitting alone together was what started their friendship and had endured. they talked but they also just wanted to be in each other’s presence. they didn’t always need to talk.

they also became tactile. before they would sit in their respective chairs and only little meaningful touches were shared like a touch to the elbow or a squeeze of the hand. now they greeted each other with hugs and perhaps a small kiss on the top of the head or cheek if one was feeling unusually happy. they leaned against each other on the couch with his arm often dangling on the back of the couch. 

one night they were sitting in that exact position but soon his arm slide down to rest on her shoulder. the way that anna was leaning made it easy for her hug his arm to her chest (which she did) but once she touched his skin she furrowed her brows. 

“is this the metal one?” 

this question startled james. it was sometimes jarring to actually see how much she knew. he didn’t actively talk about his time in hydra but when she made references to it, he had to pause and remind himself that he wasn’t being compromised. anna just knew things. he never asked how she came to know them and didn’t really want to know. so he cleared his throat to prepare for this line of conversation. 

“yeah.” 

anna stayed silent for awhile, observing his arm. nobody other than a doctor or scientist had ever examined his arm like she was right now. it made him fidgety. he didn’t know if he liked it or not but didn’t make any effort to dissuade her from her curiosity (he rarely ever did). 

“does the sleeve get hot?” was her question after all that time. he was never able to predict what her questions would be whenever she was like this. 

“not particularly but it does feel different than my real one. took me awhile to get the balance right.” she shifted to sit up straight so his arm came in front of her and his hand in her lap. he directed his gaze to her and watched as she started to play with his fingers. “it messes with the pressure sensors too.” 

“like a glove” 

“like a glove” he echoed. she applied more pressure to her next prod experimentally. 

“do you ever take it off?” 

“sometimes... at home i do.” he could feel what her next question would be. he knew she’d ask to take it off. his first instinct was to keep it on for no other reason than his natural instinct to be private but they were past that point. 

“you can take it off here if you want, if it bothers you.” anna often did this where she phrased what she wanted as a choice for the person she was asking of. instead of asking for what she wanted she presented the opportunity for the other person to do it on their own accord. it seemed both passive aggressive and considerate to him. it also made it seem like he knew her language and could understand what she was actually saying which made him feel closer to her - more intimate which he didn’t complain about. 

he’d already made his mind up when he realized where their conversation would lead to. he shifted his arm so he could pull the sleeve off. the metal glowed in the low lamp light of her living room. it did feel good to take the sleeve off and made him feel lighter. he felt more than heard her take a sharp inhale at the sight of his arm. he looked over to see her facial expression and was slightly worried to see her widened eyes and slightly parted mouth. but then she collected herself and reached for his arm to bring it closer to her. her inspection started over again as she gazed at his naked arm. if he had had hair on his arms it would have been raised and goosebumps would have formed where her finger glided down his forearm and ended in the middle of his palm. shivers did rack through his shoulders though. 

“wow it’s beautiful. like i know the circumstances in which you got it were not beautiful or pleasant by any means but i can’t help but be amazed by it. i’m not used to see such high tech stuff.” she was looking at his arm but he was looking at her in amazement. she always seemed to manage to acknowledge his past but then be able to look past it and see what was in front of her today. a surge of affection and gratitude flowed through him. 

“the tech is pretty neat. back in the forties i was always going to science fairs and exhibitions to see all the latest gadgets. the night before i was deployed i even took steve to the stark exhibition to see his supposedly flying car. it’s neat to see where tech is today.” 

their conversation transitioned to talking about technology and anna detailing the rapid turnover of devices and availability in her youth. goddamn tamagotchis. she pulled out her iPad to show him all that she does with it (which is admittedly not much because she forgets that she has it and usually sticks to her phone or laptop). he became enraptured in the device and spent the rest of the night looking at videos and inspecting the device itself. anna retreated to her phone and played games and answered his questions as they arose. eventually they got too complicated for her to answer sufficiently enough and she told him to google it which launched him into a whole new rabbit hole that almost overwhelmed him a bit but he managed. anna noticed how entranced he was so she offered him the iPad to take home. 

“are you sure?” he asked delighted at the prospect but knowing that it was a lot. 

“i don’t use it all that much anyway so you’ll be doing more with it than i ever will.” she gave it away like it was no big deal but to him it was. on the way back to his apartment he stared at the device thinking about anna and how much she had given him in the little time they had known each other. his heart swelled in gratitude towards her. he was so grateful for her: her time, her compassion, her empathy. as soon as he was home he didn’t really know what to do with himself and found himself wanting to go back to her. he sighed and reached for his journal because boy did he have some emotions to work out. 

••••••

james had been careful to leave anna’s before he fell asleep. he still had the occasional nightmare and he didn’t want to have anna deal with them nor did he want to accidentally hurt her. so he just avoided the situation all together. however it was getting harder to stick to his strategy as anna started introducing him to netflix. after so long he couldn’t focus on the screen anymore his eyes were so tired. 

one night he was nodding off on the couch with anna laying down with her feet in his lap. her couch had one side that extended out so he was reclining on that arm while anna laid down on the horizontal bit. they were watching some tv show that he wasn’t paying any attention to so his chin kept slowly coming to chest before he would be jerked awake by his own body. anna had apparently noticed because she had a shit-eating grin on her face and she nudged her toe into his side to get his attention. 

“you can just sleep here, y’know.” he shook his head. 

“no i should probably get going.” her eyebrow shot up like that was the dumbest idea he had ever came up with. 

“you’ll be walking back to your place like a zombie. no, just stay.” 

“i drove.” 

“oh good even better. fall asleep behind the wheel and be a danger to society.” her eyes narrowed and as did his. they stared at each other in a stand off to see who was more stubborn. the thing was that he didn’t actually want to go and he didn’t want to ‘be a danger to society’ (any more). so he sighed and settled into his position on her couch even more. her smile came back and she hummed her approval. she too snuggled into her spot for the long haul. 

anna, apparently having gotten tired of the other show, switched it over to the show Cosmos. james knew that this was the show she put on to go to sleep but she made no move to get up. a low-lying panic swept through him. oh no that means she sleeping out here. 

“don’t you want to sleep in your bed?” her eyes cut to his where he was trying to fein his panic and she could see that he wasn’t actually as calm as he wanted her to believe. 

“no” she drew out the syllable. “i’m comfortable here. and warm.” she looked him up and down. “why? do you want me to sleep in my bed?” he sighed. 

“well wouldn’t it be more comfortable? it’s right there.” she stared at him. 

“i’m perfectly comfortable right here.” he shifted in his seat. “what is it?” she could tell that something was off and she wanted to know what. he sighed yet again. he should really stop trying to evade her when she always seemed to know if something was bothering him or trying to do something other than what she decided on. it never went the way he wanted. 

“i get nightmares sometimes and i don’t want you around me if they happen.” he said this while looking at neil degrasse tyson standing on a beach talking about stars in that soothing voice he uses for this show. he felt anna shift and sit up. her feet slipping from his lap and onto the couch cushion next to him. her hand came out to rest on his forearm. she always did this when she wanted him to focus on her. it was a way of comfort but also of centering. he turned his gaze towards hers and locked eyes. he found caring and understanding as well as a bit of worry in her emerald eyes. she could see that this was hard for him. light embarrassment and pain showed through his eyes. 

“i can sleep in my bed if you would prefer it. i’m not going to force you to sleep in the same room as me.” her hand slid down his arm and nestled itself into his hand. relief came over his expression. 

“i would prefer it. for now anyways... until i feel that i have more control over it.” she nodded, a small sad smile came over her face. she leaned forward and pressed a lingering kiss to his forehead. his eyes closed at the pressure. her perfume wafting over him that reminded him of a rushing brook in the woods- the smell that clean, spring water has. 

“okay. i’ll be in my room if you need me.” she got up and slowly padded to her room. he could feel her heavy sadness at his dismissal. he knew that she understood where he was coming from but she was just sad that he felt that way. he shucked his jeans and socks to settle into the couch to go to sleep but it only took him minutes to regret his decision. the couch smelled like her and without her presence to anchor him down he felt like he was floating with no direction. he knew his original reasoning for this was valid and good but the anxiety and restlessness he felt now that she was gone only seemed like it would aggravate and increase his chances of having a nightmare. 

fuck it. 

he got up from the couch and walked over to her room. the door was wide open like she was hoping that he would come back anyway. he stood, hesitating, in her doorway for a moment before he shook it off and went to her bedside. she had been awake all along he came to find out. she looked up at him from her resting spot vaguely in the middle of her full size bed. 

“i changed my mind.” 

she scooted over the slightest bit and lifted the covers for him to slide in. he climbed in carefully and laid on his side facing her. their hands were bunched in the middle of the bed between them. his flesh and bone fingers twitched and came to play with hers. she allowed this for a bit before she fully slid their hands together to intertwine. both of their eyes had grown heavy and soon they were drifting off. 

in the course of the night, anna had rolled over so that she was lying on her stomach and his flesh and bone arm was slung over the small of her back and she was practically hugging his bionic arm. her face was still tilted towards him though so they were only centimeters apart. he awoke to the ends of her frizzy sleep-mussed hair tickling his face as it slightly swayed with the breeze of her ceiling fan. he smiled as he registered her face. he watched her for a moment before he saw her brows bunch together and she let out a small sigh that was tinged with a moan as she rolled over so her back was to him and she leaned into his body. it almost felt like she was trying to slowly scooch him off the bed. his hand went from being on the bed next to her to resting low on the middle of her stomach. he tensed a little as this was the most physically intimate they had ever been but then he decided to enjoy it so he settled into the position and closed his eyes again. 

he felt her awaken as her hand came to her face to rub her eyes open. she turned her head so she faced him and as she opened her eyes again he thought that he had never known color like the one that this morning revealed to him. a sleepy smile crept over her face. 

“g’mornin’.” a full body stretch sparked throughout her and she flexed her body something akin to a cat. her movements allowed for the whole of her body to brush against the whole of his which sent a zing of excitement through him. after her stretch she settled into a position that was similar to the one they started out in before they fell asleep but significantly closer. 

“good morning.” their voices were soft as to not rip through the warm atmosphere of the morning. 

“did you sleep well?” her eyes were still closed. it sometimes took her awhile to actually wake up in the mornings and this was one of those mornings. it usually meant that she was so comfortable that she was easily lulled back into sleep. 

“yeah. better than i have in a long time.” she peeked her eye open at that to look at him and smile. she hummed her satisfaction while closing her eye again. 

“good.” she said with a hint of finality that indicated she wasn’t going to say much else that morning. 

lying there with anna holding her hand was making the warm and constricting feeling in his chest expand and made him painfully aware of his ever-growing feelings for her. his journals were littered with musing and stories about her as well as some in depth personal analysis of his readiness for such a relationship that he ultimately wanted with her. he could readily admit that he probably wasn’t the best person for her and that he may have too much baggage for a relationship, but he couldn’t ignore the fact that a lot of his heaviness fell away or at least got lighter with her around. he didn’t want to leave her and it seemed like she liked having him around. other than steve, she was the person that he was closest to on a emotional level and even steve came with a retro bias that felt confining. he knew that steve knew him better than anyone but it still felt off. 

his feelings for anna didn’t limit themselves to just emotional. they have been recently growing more physical as well. sure he’d always known that she was beautiful but she wasn’t one of those women whose looks screamed at you for how breathtaking and Aphrodite-like they were. hers lapped over you like a calm tide of a lake and came to light as she allowed you to see her. his admiration only grew as they spent time together and he would often catch himself just staring at her while she watched others or worked on her own thing. so this early morning desire was nothing knew. 

however this was the first time he actually acted on it. 

his flesh and bone hand came out from its entanglement with hers to rest on the side of her face while his thumb stroked along her cheekbone. he felt her take a sharp intake of breath. a moment passed and she nuzzled her face into his palm before slightly opening her eyes to look at him while she turned her head to press a light kiss to his palm. it was his turn to gasp at her affection. he shifted closer to her and slide his hand to the base of her skull to hold her head as he brought his lips to hers in a light but meaningful kiss. he could cry with how much love and affection he felt for anna. she responded to his kiss with just as much enthusiasm and softness as him.

her hand vacated its place between them to rest on his back. the kiss didn’t last long as their lungs were already compromised by their elevated heart rates from the anticipation of it all. their foreheads came to rest against one another for a moment before he nuzzled his way to the juncture of her ear, his stubble brushing against the sensitive skin of her cheek and throat. her mouth fell open without making a noise at his ministrations. eventually his head came to rest on her collarbone and her hand came to stroke his stubble and her other arm wrapped around his shoulders before it slid down so her other hand was playing with his hair. his arms hugged her middle and rubbed her back in slow circles. 

lying with anna like this was the calmest he had ever been and he decided that he never wanted to leave. she had never fretted about or asked about the wrong he did. if whatever forces in the universe never forgave him for what he did, he knew that anna did. her love and empathy were given to him soft and sweet. in that lowland plot of her love, he was free and heaven and hell were only words to him.


End file.
